Novels, Short Stories, Poems

 ...from The Bronx

Copyright © 2015

I was born in a log cabin in the Bronx, the land of truly gentle people. Ask me how I got my first job at the Bronx Zoo. My mother’s one of eight, and my father's one of ten. Did I ever tell you how Aunt Angelina lost her teeth? Or what Uncle Giuseppe really thinks about Calabrians?  Do you want to know why Grandpa Cutrone got kicked out of the Italian army for what he did to that poor mule?  Nine years of Catholic grade school, four years of Jesuit high school, and four years of Irish Christian Brothers in college and you expect me to be normal?  Why did Dog-Face Dolores (oh, that savage nun!) do that to me in the sixth grade?  It wasn't my fault! I also did time (seven years) at the State Penn (actually Penn State) where there are more cows than co-eds. Do you want to hear about crazy roommates, wacky girlfriends, depraved employers, and psychotic professors? How I beat the tax collector at his own game by convincing him that I was dead? There were six of us living together, and Joe Keller refused to clean the only frying pan after cooking up his greasy hamburgers. He deserved to be taught a lesson! One day we came home to find out that Freaky Freddie had finally planted his special seeds in coffee cans all over the place and then had cranked up the thermostat to 95 degrees to turn the whole place into a little Columbia. We had to do something! My professor sent me to Europe for three months on a special assignment.  He conveniently neglected to pay me.  I had to live on 25 cents a day! Other travel…22 countries…. Oh God, how can I ever forget what happened at those airports? My gerbils turning into skeletons; the time my pet canary used up all the oxygen on the plane. Yes, yes, I know, I need help. My doctor refuses to listen to me any longer. He told me to write find some way to get everything off my chest, “Go up on the roof and shout…write it all down….”

"I was just an innocent little lamb..."